What about our bio kids?

Adoption can be messy. Back in the days, people who were adopted often weren't even told they were adopted. The thinking was that it would upset them and make them feel different.  We then progressed to people knowing they were adopted, but the files which would let them know who their biological parents are were sealed, so they never knew their history, their family origin or why their birth mother chose adoption for them. I have friends in this situation, and it is a struggle for them to just never know all the answers to their questions. I also know friends who have adopted siblings who struggled terribly emotionally and it was a strain on their family. We've all heard stories of children adopted from Russian orphanages who have significant attachment issues. We have friends who have walked through the pain of a failed adoption. We're not walking into this blindly. This could effect our entire family negatively. We have a desire for a transracial adoption, and so ours will be. Yes, we understand this could cause our adopted child some trouble over time. They might feel as though they don't fit in. We know all this, and so do our bio kids. Their response to this has been part of our confirmation that this is the path the Lord has for us.

About 10 years ago, we went to Tennessee for a family vacation and attended a large prayer meeting  named "The Call" held at the Tennessee Titans football stadium. There was worship and prayer the entire day. Part of the time was dedicated to praying for an end to abortion. This topic is very near and dear to our hearts. There was a tent set up on the premises for people who had chosen abortion in the past to put a pair of baby shoes with a name for their baby that they had aborted. The desire was to bring healing and closure to this painful decision. There were a LOT of shoes. It was very somber and moving. During part of the prayer, I was weeping and my young boys asked me why I was crying. I had to explain to them what abortion is in the best way I could, and they innocently asked, "Why would a mommy chose that? Babies are so sweet." It was a precious memory for me as a mom. There was a also a challenge given to those attending the prayer time. If we are going to ask these moms to choose life and their circumstances are so dire that they feel like they can't bring a child into the world to raise, then are we also willing to stand up and adopt their babies? We have to be willing to be truly pro life in all areas and that includes being a part of adoption. I believe as Christians, participating in adoption and foster care is not an option. Not everyone is called to actually adopt, but we are all called to support widows and orphans and can support adoption in many ways that doesn't include actually adopting. On that day, we knew the Lord was calling our family to adopt. Not just Kevin and me, but the boys would be included as well.

So, three years ago, when we felt the Lord released us to move forward with adoption, we told the boys if even one of them was not on board with this decision, we wouldn't do it. It affects all of us, not just Kevin and me. I'm pretty sure they didn't hesitate at all in that discussion to say "Yes" to the call and the Lord. Something that is also very extraordinary about our kids is that they all LOVE young children and are kid magnets themselves. We've had so many people over the years talk about this. "Your kids are so good with our kids". All four of them. Kevin and I always say, "We wish we could tell you how to parent that, but it's not anything we've done." It truly is just the Lord's favor and even more confirmation in our hearts that this is what He has called us to as a family.

Now that we're finally here, they boys are super excited about it. They've been telling their friends and we've been talking about names and planning what all we're going to do once the baby arrives. I'm pretty sure once they get home from school, I won't even be able to hold the baby and I know they'll be super helpful, as they always are. It truly melts my heart.

We're thankful for this challenge. Yes, we are much older than we expected to be when we said "yes" to the Call, but we are also wiser and more patient. We know that the sleepless nights will end and some day we'll be sending this little one off into the world as we did with Andrew this summer. Our child will struggle. There will be some generational issues to walk through (think nature vs nurture) and we won't always have the answers. We won't always feel equipped to answer the questions. But we do know this; Our God's grace is sufficient. His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness and kindness towards us is so great. We can trust Him every step of the way. His heart and love towards this child is far greater than ours. He's more concerned with the future and His people than we will ever be. So we feel honored to be a part of this child's story and to be the ones to love and nurture this life.

WE ARE BLOWN AWAY!!!

OH MY GOSH, ya'll! We have had quite an evening and a complete turn around from our last post.

Short story: Tonight, our adoption was completely funded!!

Longer story: Our friend, Brittany (the same friend who donated a ton of breastmilk), is a go getter. She really has a gift and favor for making things happen. She has worked to fundraise money to cover hospital bills for her cousin's daughter that was extremely ill and on a heart transplant list a few years ago. (She is actually a healthy almost three year old that never got a heart transplant because God healed her). She also organized to have groceries bought for her sister for a year after her sister's husband was tragically killed in a car accident and she was left with their three kids. She is a distributor for Young Living, and is in a group who are really passionate about adoption. A couple in her upline posted that they wanted to donate to something really big this year, and Brittany, and one of our other friends, Ashley, told them about us. Our story really moved them (they are fostering to adopt some kiddos) and they picked us to donate to. Our adoption. Our family. We are blown away. They asked how much we still owed and they are going to provide the balance due!

And if that wasn't already enough, Brittany and Janna (another friend) got on the phone and contacted a some of our friends from our church and invited them to our house to celebrate with us after they shared the news with us. We were on facetime with this precious couple who shared what they were doing for us. They live in Oregon. They don't even know us. We were speechless. (If you can imagine Kevin unable to talk). We just sat and cried.

And on top of it all, our son, Andrew, had good news as well. He is working to pay his way through college at Texas A&M, and ran out of money before his last installment was due. We have been praying for the Lord to miraculously provide for him, too, and today, his grandma (Kevin's mom) called to let him know that she was going to give him enough money to pay for his last installment as well.

We are truly amazed. We have already received several donations, and we are so grateful for everyone who gave. Tonight was a huge gift, but every gift no matter the size was enormously important and means so much to us!  From the bottom of our hearts, THANK YOU!

And I am writing this down to:

1) Speak (No, Shout!) of the Lord's goodness and kindness towards us. We were backed against the wall, and He came through as only He can.

2) So that when I wake up in the morning I will have physical proof of what happened tonight.

Thank you for your prayers and kind words. This part of the journey is just the beginning of what is yet to come for us, so we will need continued prayers as we venture out into a situation with a lot of uncertainty and unknowns. But we know that He is faithful. He shows us that over and over again. Even thought we don't deserve it, He loves us fiercely.

Just an update...And a little bit of rambling about where we are....

Ya'll are so sweet to keep asking about updates. I don't have anything to report, which is actually really good. Our birthmom has not gone into labor yet, they haven't changed their minds, and everything is still good to go.

We are still lacking about $2800 for our first deposit. We believe the Lord will provide all that we need and we are so thankful for what we have received so far. So far, our donations have really blown us away. Ya'll have given so generously. It's really humbling.

 Kevin is looking over my shoulder and saying, "It's okay to share that we still struggle with this and aren't always trusting perfectly" So yes, we have times (sometimes daily) where we struggle with trusting and wondering. Did we really hear from God on this? Will He really provide? Oh.my.gosh. Another newborn? Diapers, spit up, crying again? What?

Last weekend, I moved our furniture around to make room for a dresser and pack n play in our room to try to make it more real and to just be ready for when we get "the call". It's so weird because I'm not pregnant this time, so no feeling the baby move, no contractions. Just an empty bed for a tiny person and lots of cute little baby clothes. And did I mention that my friend, Brittany, donated about 5 gallons of breastmilk to us? And, in the midst of His provision, we struggle with believing His provision. It's crazy, and a whirl wind of emotions. 

Kevin has been recently impacted by Psalm 78:19-20. It's the story of the Israelites in the desert and how they spoke against God and wondering if He would provide. So, He provided water, and they said, "But can He provide bread or meat for His people?" So we've been disciplining ourselves to be thankful for every provision, no matter how big or small and be thankful in the midst of uncertainty and questions. 

It's important to us that we be real with you and not try to pretend that we have it all together, because we don't.  Sometimes we're full of faith, and sometimes we're like the Isrealites often were. I'm pretty sure that's okay with the Lord, though, since the Bible is full of stories of imperfect people who struggled and totally messed up. Alot.

I was also recently reminded by a friend of the story, again of the Israelites, when they were leaving Egypt and being chased down by the Egyptian army. They were stranded in front of the Red Sea with no where to go. There was the Red Sea on one side, and the Egyptian Army on the other side. God HAD to come through. There was no back up plan. Their choices were drown or be trampled. So he HAD to rescue them. And we know He did. But for however long they stood there and waited before He parted the Red Sea, they had to have been freaking out at their choices. Who would've blamed them?

So here we are.. our only option is to trust Him. And we do. Mostly. Or maybe sort of. Definitely not perfectly. And that's okay. He love us anyway. 

How did you know it was time?

A little over three years ago, my friend starting talking about an amazing women's conference called "You Are" that was going to be in Bryan/College Station. I reluctantly registered (I don't really like women's conferences, or conferences in general) because I love my friend and she was so excited about it. On the evening of the first day of the conference, I thought I was arriving late. I was planning to sneak in the back and then leave early. I obviously got the times wrong because I ended up arriving early. I wasn't able to just sneak in because I saw at least 10 of my friends on the way in. When I walked into the room, there was worship music playing and I immediately started crying. This is the good kind of cry when the Lord is moving in your heart. As I was worshiping, I saw myself, in my mind's eye, beating my head against a wall. That was a great image of where I was spiritually and emotionally. Needless to say, I enjoyed the conference. At the end of the last day, we were given the opportunity to enter some rooms set up with couches, music, fragrances and some Bible study guidelines. It was in one of these rooms that the Lord spoke to me and told me that it was time to adopt. I journaled my heart out as my Savior spoke to me very specifically about some things in my life.

About 11 years ago, our dear friends, Dane and Laurie, had adopted their son through Aggieland Pregnancy Outreach (APO). I attended their entrustment ceremony which is when the birth mom entrusts the baby to the adoptive parents. I've never experienced the presence of God so powerfully in my life. It was one of the most amazing experiences. I knew from that day forward that when we adopted, it would be through APO.

After I shared my experience at the conference with Kevin, we decided to contact them and attend our first meeting.  I don't remember exactly when the first meeting was, but it was about three years ago. I honestly thought we'd be matched quickly since we'd already waited for so long. But you probably already know that sometimes God's timeline is different than ours. But it's always perfect.

During the waiting, we've learned a lot, cried a lot, enjoyed the wonderful kiddos that we have, still longing for the one or two in our hearts. There have been times when the waiting has been sweet. And other times when it's been unbearable. Through APO, we are required to attend quarterly meetings with other adoptive couples. We've enjoyed hearing their stories and cried at the infertility and loss stories. Some have lived through failed adoptions. We know that this story could be the same. Adoption is risky. It's messy. It's beautiful. 

On September 14, I attended a brunch that is designed to raise awareness among area church leaders about the upcoming "You Are" conference. The conference founder, Stephanie Lee, was sharing about her daughter that she lost when she passed away in the womb. The testimony really tugged at my heart and I started crying and longing again for my adopted child. I asked Stephanie to pray for me after the brunch, and she reminded me to keep praying and asking. Even if it doesn't come to pass, I still get more of Jesus. That afternoon, we got a call from one of the APO caseworkers. She told us some information about a potential birthmom. There are some dire circumstances in her life, and she wanted to know if it would be okay if she shared our Life Book with her. Kevin happened to be home when she called. We said we'd discuss it and call her back. We talked for about 30 seconds and then called her back with a "Yes!"

We'll go from here in my next post...

So why wait for SO LONG?!?

Good question. If it were left up to me, we would've adopted years ago. In fact, one of the harder parts of this journey has been the waiting. I have numerous friends who struggled with infertility. We never did. Our kids came fast and easy. No complications. No waiting month after month. No complications. No stays in the NICU. Normal and natural. I intellectually knew infertility was painful, but not from experience. However, the waiting on this adoption has been extremely challenging and painful. We know that the Lord called us to this. We know He is faithful. We trust Him and His timing. But... the waiting. Wow. What a challenge!

I would often get into conversations with people about adoptions and would tell them that we plan to adopt. The response was, "Oh wow! When?" "Whenever God releases us". How could we not be released? What was the Lord waiting on? I still don't have the answers to the many questions. Whenever I would bring up my age to the Lord, He would remind me that Sarah was 90 when she had Issac. Mic drop. And so we waited...

We have friends that adopted two little girls later in life. In fact, a woman that attend their church asked them to adopt her oldest daughter and then again when she had a second baby. The birthmom suffers from bipolar disease and knew she couldn't properly parent her daughters. We always loved that story and thought that ours would be similar to theirs in that someone would ask us to adopt her baby. Maybe we were right, but in a different way. These friends are like us in that they too were almost finished raising their 5 biological kiddos when the Lord called them to adopt. And they are totally killing it. Those girls are amazing.

When God did finally release us, it was a very clear word and we were really excited. But that release came THREE YEARS ago. I honestly thought once we were released, it would be quick and easy. Boy was I wrong. It's a really great story, but one for my next entry.

Thanks for stopping and reading!!

Our journey begins

Where do I even begin?  22 years ago, I started my very first teaching job. The students entrusted to me were mostly orphans. All but two had been removed from their homes by CPS, but every single one had a CPS caseworker involved in their lives. To say it was intense was an understatement. However, it was the job I chose. Middle School kiddos whose "handicapping condition" was "emotionally disturbed". Basically, they'd been uncared for, abused, mistreated, etc. In other words, had they been raised in a normal, loving family, they wouldn't even have been in my class. They would be with the "other kids" and thriving, instead of just surviving. I loved them as if they were my own, and this was my first real experience with the foster care system. And my first real memory of considering adoption. There was one in particular that captured my heart and made me want to adopt. I couldn't adopt him, but I knew I would one day. It was something Kevin and I discussed before we got married. If he wasn't on board, it would've been a deal breaker for me. He was fully on board, so it was just always going to happen.

Well, we ended up having four kiddos in exactly 6 years. No joke. Cody was born exactly 6 years after Andrew (minus one day). I think when Cody was a baby until he was maybe 3 or 4, I never thought about adoption. I was just really busy and my cup was full. But, before that, it was ever on my mind. I read a lot about it. Walked through it was our dear friends, Dane and Laurie, and always talked about it in terms of "when we adopt". Never "if".  We talked about wanting a multi culture family. We are very pro life in philosophy, and desire to live it out as well. But it's just what God has called us to, and we feel privileged to be called.

I remember one year at Christmastime, Kevin and I were sitting in our living room looking at the six stockings on our fireplace and Kevin said, "Six just doesn't seem right. I think there's supposed to be at least one more stocking there. Maybe two".

Over the years, we've been so excited for our friends who have adopted. We've cried watching videos that shared different people's adoption stories. It's one of the most awful and beautiful experiences out there. It's heart wrenching for a child to be torn away from his/her mother that grew him/her in her womb. And it's beautiful to see another family who loves that child as their own. It's our Father's heart for us. He adopts us. He loves us fully. We are His own.

There's so much more to share, but I'll leave this post as it is. The beginning of our journey.

Thanks for reading! I like to process events in writing, so I plan to write a lot more in the coming days. Goodness, this time next week, we could be at the hospital with our new baby. Who knows?